My first thought was to post an amazing review of a show 2days ago, but then I realized I’d do it only to desperately show to u all I’m a good artist and try to repress my extreme insecurities with your beautiful positive reactions. So instead I’m posting this..
The day after last Saturday's show in Vorst, I first felt bad and empty.. And it worried me.. If even that night didn’t make me happy for longer then a day, what would ?
I had a severe panic attack on stage about a month ago. I didn’t want to be there, all smiling 8000 people made me feel even worse. I wanted to run off stage and disappear.. Last months were horrible, honesty. I’m not listening to music anymore in my free time for more then 6 months. It gives me stomach aches. I feel embarrassed about my career and the music I make. I’m not ‘the new young big promising artist’ anymore and how confronting it may be that it even gets to me (as I always claimed succes didn’t mean anything) It made me feel I was a big failure. As a person and artist.
Insecurity has always been a part of my life, but not as devastating and life controlling as the last months. I got depressed, again. Second time I tried to lower my anti depressives, with the idea of being well prepared and ‘clean’ for future pregnancies. 4 months later the dark atmosphere was there again. DEJA VU with 2 years ago. Life got impossible again.
I called my amazing shrink who knows me already for 10years and to him it was also clear..
So I increased my medication, hoping it would work soon: Feel the sun again, enjoy eating again, sleep better, and feel less anxious, hoping I didn’t had to cancel all future shows and commitments..
After a few weeks it got better.. It’s almost magical. Today I’m still a bit unbalanced, but it gets better everyday.
Why do I write this? As the godmother of the initiative Te Gek!?, I got the chance to talk with 75 youngsters with psychological problems after my show in Vorst 2 days ago. All in care for different reasons.. Talking with them made me feel better and more useful then I ever felt last months. The connections were incredible. We’re all on the same boat.
What I’m trying to say ; Life is not easy. I guess for nobody, but in particular for us, being genetically and/or life experienced extra sensitive to all difficulties in life.
But there’s always a solution.. I don’t want to be a medication missionary. Most of us can probably get out of the darkness by talking with friends and family and/or professional help. But if not, it”s okay. Try out what works for you but NEVER give up. Never lose hope. Life is good and worth living happily.
The ‘Red Nose Day’ in Belgium gathered 3.8 million euro’s for more help for youngster with psychological problems.. Amazing step and good start to make all young Belgians grow up to be mentally healthy adults. More healthy adults means more power for a better world. In all ways : Love, peace and hopefully more manpower for a right approach of the threatening climate change.
This all said. Thank you all for the amazing support over the years. You also play a big role in my happiness over the years and make this ‘reaching out to a bigger audience’ possible and very fulfulling